I’ve recently started ‘jogging’ using the NHS Couch to 5K app. I have no idea why.
Ok, I have some idea why – it’s become abundantly clear to me that I’m not going to stop eating what I want, when I want so it seemed sort of necessary to do something to counteract my love of carbs. I’m too cheap to go to the gym and too shy to go to a fitness class, so jogging seemed the way forward.
Let me tell you a little something about Laura, the voice of the app. Laura is a motivational genius: to begin with, I resented her smug ‘you can do this!’ and ‘you’re halfway there’ attitude, supportive bitch that she is, but eventually you develop Stockholm syndrome-esque feelings towards this disembodied voice whispering sweet nothings to you over the sound of your own strangled breathing.
“You can do this!” she tells me in her serence voice – I sincerely doubt this as I’m 3 minutes into a 5 minute run, with a stitch stabbing me in the shoulder, but BOOM. Her beautiful voice tells me I’ve done it and I feel the warm glow of her approval and my own burning face. She tells me I can now walk for 90 seconds to catch my breath… hang on?! 90 f***ing seconds?! I’ve just shambled for 5 minutes, and all I get is 90 f***ing seconds?!!!!
We share a complicated relationship, Laura and I.
She tells me that eventually I’ll be able to run 5 kilometers in one go and I suppose I should believe her because last month I didn’t believe that I’d be able to run for 5 minutes straight either but it still seems a little unlikely given how I look like an aneurism waiting to happen by the time I’m done (I should probably get my blood pressure checked but I’m worried they’ll also check my cholesterol and find I have butter icing where my blood should be).
My jogging technique looks a little bit like the rhino at the end of this clip but I suppose running like an asthmatic ungulate is better than nothing! :